Patiently waiting for my MRI to begin; my head is tucked neatly into place. Neck collar and headphones, adjusted. Warm blanket covering my cold extremities. The music playing in the headphones, does not completely drown out the constant sound of BOOM....BOOM....BOOM, that is being churned out on this monsterous machine. The tech then hands me, "the panic button." The "just-in-case-I-become-terrified-of-tight-enclosed-spaces" button. I feel, the bed underneath me roll into the mouth of the Monster, I take a few deep breaths and close my eyes.
The MRI scan begins. I figure, this is a good time to reflect.
Usually - when one is faced with a potentially serious health issue, it seems as though there is no better time to reflect on one's life. I find myself, "in reflection mode" quite a bit these days.
My own pathway has endured many twists and turns; some for the better (the birth of my two beautiful children), some for the worse (the untimely death of my two-year-old son) including my own life - long battle with severe depression. During this time, in my life I took a break from creating imagery. After my son died, I felt as though there was no point....to anything. It was bad. My little girl was alive AND healthy but I couldn't even see past the loss of my only son. I felt as though, I had hit rock bottom. And, as time went on and the depression continued to spiral out of control, I knew I needed help. This whole situation was not good for my daughter nor for myself. I guess, at this point I could have turned to alcohol or drugs?? But I didn't. Instead, I turned to Nature. Little by little, I would make attempts to be out in the world. And when we were "out" in the world, it would be among the mountains and lakes of New Mexico. Nature became a kind of refuge for me, not only as person with all this "stuff" happening but also as an artist. I started to see and feel, the beauty in Nature. From the deep red sandstone mesa's of Zuni Pueblo to the cool mountain air of the Jemez mountains, it all started coming together. By IT, I mean the urge to create again. I took time, to really study the various landscapes that we had visited, the formations of sandstone, the color variations in the clouds, even the animals and insects became just as important. Nature - became my way of coping and healing. But more importantly, I began to see the beauty of both of my children and my own life within, all these natural elements....I don't feel sorry for myself. Maybe - this life altering event happened for a reason?? Maybe my son will explain it to me one day?? But for now, Life goes on...and that is good.